There have been a few suggestions as to what the Diamond Geezer trousers should be used for, many have been of the opinion that they are not fit to be worn and should be used for lighting bonfires or dressing dummies on Guy Fawkes night, but more generous and imaginative people have suggested the following:
- Public Decency - if Terry didn't wear them , he would scare the entire East Stand by revealing that he wears tights! - thanks Calliopeia
- World Health - has anyone wearing the trews contracted malaria? No. Has anyone not wearing the trews contracted malaria? Yes. Would a self respecting female anopheles mosquito go anywhere near the trews? No. I rest my case! - thanks Calliopeia
- Road safety - even on trips abroad where the locals drive on the wrong side of the road no Diamond Geezer has been run over, which considering the amount of alcohol drunk on away trips is amazing. The way the trousers glow in headlights has surely saved lives - they are a major contribution to road safety.
- Instant recognition - they are impossible to miss and allow Diamond Geezers to recognise each other even in very crowded areas (such as rugby club bars)
- Recovery - people who may pass out or fall asleep in ditches can be easily found and returned to their natural habitat of the bar.
- Distraction - can be used to distract carnivores and scare off wild animals (possibly very useful on the return game against Natal Sharks if the Geezers visit Kruger National Park)
- Charity work - are you collecting for a children's charity or red nose day? - if you are why not wear your trews, the public will take pity on you and you will collect more money
- Children's entertainment - have a child or nephew or niece that is having a party but the clown hasn't turned up - just don the trews, get drunk and caper around and the kiddies will love it!
- Rescue attempts - if you are ever caught up in a Lord of the Flies/Castaway type situation you can use your trews to signal passing ships, aircraft etc. - they are the only trousers that are visible from space!
- Broadcasting - they can be used to test the colour balance on TV cameras - hence the number of times they have been shown (The Stoop, Bridgend, Northampton, etc.).
- Peacekeeping - in those rare situations when tempers may become frayed you are much safer wearing trews, it reminds the aggressor of their happy days of childhood when their parents took them to the circus, they will then smile and wander off to find some candyfloss - the UN are thinking of getting uniforms made in the same material but are worried about the colours clashing with their lovely blue berets! (Maybe this is where MrsB's amazing peacekeeping abilities come from).
If you have any other (polite) suggestions send them to us.