Diamond Geezer Title

Mike Scott Strung Up By RFU
The Gollings Saga Continues

by The Professor

In scenes of mayhem, rarely seen in south west London, Mike "Scotty" Scott (Team Manager of Harlequins) was strung up by the RFU. The baying crowd cheered, clapped and ate burgers as Scotty was lead up to the scaffold. But before the noose was attached insult was added to injury - Chris Spice (RFU Performance Director and Torquemada looky-likey) made a speech from his gold incrusted pram. In it he berated Scotty for pulling Ben Gollings (surely England's finest sevens player of all time) out of the squad to play in Beijing. The argument that Quins currently have only three fit players on their books fell on deaf ears. Then Spice, acting in much the same way as Emperor Gaius Caligula did during his reign (AD 37-41), applied what could only be described as a genital tourniquet to Scotty's nethers. Although Scotty was obviously in pain he stood up manfully to the torture, in fact the sight of his constricted codlings made women swoon, men applaud and horses bolt! This infuriated Spice even further and he threw his toys out of his pram.

Then the moment came, not since the death of Mussolini has a hanging attracted such attention. The hangman, who kept his black hood on at all times, but who later made the mistake of giving his name as one Mr. F. Peanut of no fixed abode, minced up to the scaffold to the sound of a 57 fart salute. With a wrist as limp as boiled lettuce he pushed Scotty over the edge.

Scotty's Quins heart was strong and he kicked for many minutes before the breath finally went from his lungs and the spark of life flicked and died in his eyes. At that moment the sun darkened, the birds stopped singing, the crowd hushed and a dead weasel fell from the sky into the lap of Spice, even the RFU merchandise stands which were selling T-shirts saying" I saw the death of Scotty at Twickenham" (still available at £199.95) stopped trading for a few moments.

The first noise to break the silence was a shout of defiance from Ben Gollings as he was forced into a packing crate marked "Live Cargo - To Beijing - One Way" on the side.

It was a sad day for Quins and a sad day for rugby.

The wake will be held at Fortress Geezer - no Flowers (although Fullers will be available on the day).