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Lyrics
The Ball Of Kirriemuir
CHORUS:
Singing: Balls to your partner,
Ass against the wall,
If you've never been laid on Saturday night,
You've never been laid at all.
The ball, the ball, the ball, the ball
The ball of Kirriemuir
There were four and twenty prostitutes
Lying on the floor
Four and twenty virgins,
Came down from Inverness,
And when the ball was over
There were four and twenty less.
The elders of the kirk arrived
And were surprised to see
Four-and-twenty maidenheads
Hanging from a tree
Four and twenty whores,
Came up from Glockamore,
And when the ball was over
They were all of them double bore.
The village plumber he was there,
He felt an awful fool,
He'd come eleven leagues or more
And forgot to bring his tool.
There was fucking in the hallways,
And fucking in the ricks,
You couldn't hear the music
For the swishing of the pricks.
They were fucking in the Barley.
They were fucking in the oats.
Some were fucking sheep,
but most were fucking goats.
There was fucking in the kitchen,
And fucking in the halls,
You couldn't hear the music for
The clanging of the balls.
There was fucking in the parlor,
And fucking on the stairs,
You couldn't see the carpet
For the mass of public hairs.
I put my head upon her lap,
and she put hers in mine.
We sucked a bit and blowed a bit
and that's called sixty-nine.
The parson's daughter she was there,
The cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her ass
And thistle up her cunt.
The village whore she was there,
Doing a really good stunt
Stuck to the ceiling
By the suction of her cunt.
The village idiot he was there
Sitting on a pole
Pulled his foreskin over his head
And whistled though the hole.
The mayors wife she was there
Lying on the floor
Every time she spread he legs
The suction closed the door
Grandma and Grandpa they were there
Sitting by the fire
Knitting prophylactics
Out of old rubber tires.
The village postman he was there
He had a case of the pox
Couldn't fuck the women
So he fucked a letter box.
Little Tommy he was there
He was only eight
Couldn't fuck the women
So he had to masturbate.
The blacksmith's brother he was there
A mighty stud was he
Lined 'em up against the wall
And fucked 'em three-by-three.
The village hooker she was there
Feeling mighty fine
Lined 'em up against the wall
And fucked 'em nine-by-nine.
The village rugger he was there
the mightiest of men
Lined 'em up against the wall
And fucked em ten-by-ten.
The village magician he was there
Up to his favorite trick
Pulling his asshole over his head
And standing on his prick.
Father O'Flanagan he was there
And in the corner sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And catching it in his hat.
Dino had an even stroke
His skill was much admired
He gratified one cunt at a time
Until his skill expired.
Jock McVennig he was there
A looking for a fuck
But every cunt was occupied
And he was out of luck.
Michael Lee when he got the there
His prick was long and high
But when he fucked her forty times
He was fucking mighty dry.
McTavish, oh yes, he was there
His prick was long and broad
And when he fucked the furriers wife
She had to be rebored.
The village dogcatcher
Proved he was no slouch
Went out and caught the neighbors dog
And fucked it on the couch.
The village gynecologist he was there
On a beaver hunt
Pulled down all the women's pants
And probed through all their cunts.
The village dunce he was there
All alone he stands
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And using both his hands.
The village idiot he was there,
Up to this and that,
Amusing himself by abusing himself,
And catching it in his hat.
The bride was in the kitchen
Explaining to the groom,
The vagina not the rectum
Is the entrance to the womb.
The village magician he was there,
Up to his favorite trick,
Pulling his foreskin over his head,
And disappearing up his prick.
The village giant he was there,
A mighty man was he,
He lined them up against the wall
And fucked them three by three.
The vicar and his wife were there,
Having lots of fun,
The parson had his finger
Up another lady's bun.
The village doctor he was there,
He had his bag of tricks,
And in between the dances
He was sterilizing pricks.
Father O'Flanagan he was there,
And in the corner he sat,
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And catching it in his had.
There was fucking on the couches,
There was fucking on the cots,
And lying up against the wall
Were rows of grinning twats.
Giles he played a dirty trick,
We cannot let it pass,
He showed a lass his mighty prick
Then shoved it up her ass.
Mrs. O'Maley she was there,
She had the crowd in fits,
A jumping off the mantelpiece
And bouncing off her tits.
Jackie Stewart did his fucking,
Right upon the moor,
It was, he thought, much better
Than fucking on the floor.
Jock McDougall he was there,
A looking for a fuck,
But every quim was occupied
And he was out of luck.
The huntsman's daughter she was there,
Tired from the hunt,
A wreath of roses around her ass
And a carrot up her cunt.
The chimney sweep he was there,
They had to throw him out,
For every time he passed some wind
The room was filled with soot.
The village economist he was there,
His prick held in his hand,
Waiting for the moment when
Supply would meet demand.
The village blacksmith he was there,
Sitting by the fire,
Doing abortions by the score
With a piece of red hot wire.
The village postman he was there,
The poor man had the pox,
He couldn't fuck the lasses
So he fucked the letter box.
The blacksmith's father he was there,
A roaring like a lion,
He'd cut his cock off in the forge
So he used his rod of iron.
Dino had an even stroke,
His skill was much admired,
He fucked away half the night
Until his cock expired.
The village butcher he was there,
Cleaver in his hand,
Every time he turned around
He circumcised the band.
The village virgin she was there,
All dressed in frilly pink,
She took the boys behind the fence
And made their fingers stink.
Willy Roberts he arrived,
His prick was all alert,
But when the night was done
"Twas dangling in the dirt."
Now little Willy he was there,
But he was only eight,
He couldn't catch a harlot
So he had to masturbate.
The village veteran he was there,
His balls were made of brass,
And when he blew a fart, my lads,
The sparks flew out his ass.
Little Jimmy he was there,
The leader of the choir,
He hit the balls of all the boys
To make their voices higher.
The village leper he was there,
Sitting on a log,
Peeling foreskin off his cock
And feeding it to his dog.
Another blacksmith he was there,
Tending to his fires,
Making prophylactics
Out of motorcycle tires.
The village builder he was there,
He brought his bag of tricks,
He poured cement in all the holes
And blunted all the pricks.
The village cripple he was there,
He wasn't very much,
Took the girls behind the house
And fucked them with his crutch.
Wee MacGregor he was there,
His pint of beer he'd split,
It mingled with the semen
That was trickling down his kilt.
The mayor's daughter she was there,
She had the crowd in fits,
Sliding down the bannister
And bouncing on her tits.
The village stable boy he was there,
The bastard was quite coarse,
We caught him in the stable
With his cock inside a horse.
The village parson he was there,
All dressed up in his shroud,
Swinging on the chandalier
Pissing on the crowd.
And when the ball was over,
What a sight to see,
Four and twenty maidenheads
A hanging from a tree.
And when the ball was over,
Everyone did confess,
They all enjoyed the dancing
But the fucking was the best.
Mrs. O'Leary she was there,
Swingin' from the chandelier,
Spilling her menstrual juices
Into everybody's beer.
The village cook he was there,
The bastard was quite crude,
They caught him in the kitchen
Masturbating in the food.
The Jersey girl was standin' there,
Her but against the wall,
"Put your money on the table boys,
I'm goin' to do youse all!"
The parson's wife she was there,
And she was worst of all,
Pulled her skirt above her head
And shouted, "fuck it all."
The vicar's wife she was there,
Sitting by the fire,
Knitting contraceptives
Out of india rubber tires.
Sergeant Murphy he was there,
The pride of the Force,
They caught him behind the barn
Jacking off a horse.
The village whore, she was there
Sitting on the floor,
Every time she spread her legs,
The vacuum shut the door
And when the ball was over,
All the guests confessed,
The music was the finest
But the fucking was the best.
And so the ball was over,
All went home to rest,
The music had been exquisite
Still the fucking was the best.
And finally there was the Johnnie Rugger
He seemed like quite a stud.
But when it came to fucking
His pecker was a dud.
First lady over,
Second lady front,
Third ladies finger
up the fourth ladies cunt.
Well, McPhearson's band, they were there,
A dishin' oot the licks,
You cood na' hear a bloody thin'
for the swishin' o' the pricks.
Best Man in the corner,
Instructin' to the Groom,
"The vagina, not the rectum son,
Is the entrance to the womb."
The village whore she was there,
A cunning little runt,
With herpes sores and the clap on tap,
She was na' mer' than a running cunt.
Many thanks to David Chapman from Aberdeen, Michael Allen and Loran S. Martin for supplying forgotten verses and for sending in the correct spelling of Kirriemuir.
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If you think these lyrics are incorrect or if you have alternative lyrics (preferably funny and Quins related ones) drop me a line
This is copyright of the lyricist/songwriter and is only used here to aid our singing and to reduce the use of the phrases: "La-la-la", "Dum-ti-dum" and "Errr, hang on a minute, I'll remember in a minute".
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