On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A hand job that wasn't worth a fuck... worth a fuck!

and so on...
Second day - two shit house doors
Third day - three French whores
Fourth day - four calling girls
Fifth day - five pubic hairs (in my teeth, ptwh)
Sixth day - six 69ers
Seventh day - seven sucking sisters
Eighth day - eight aching assholes
Ninth day - nine gnawed off nipples (bite the nipple and suck that tit...)
Tenth day - ten tons of titty
Eleventh day - eleven leaping lesbians
Twelfth day - twelve twats a'twitching

Alternative Days:

One legged whore with VD
Two eunoch monks
Three French whores
Four shithouse doors
Five choir boys
Six
Seven sex starved spinsters
Eight aching assholes
Nine gnawed off nipples
Ten torted testes
Eleven lapping lesbos
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me AIDS

Another Alternative:

a hand job that wasn't worth a fuck.
2 mother fucks.
3 french sucks.
4 flying fucks.
5 round the worlds.
6 69ers.
7 sleazy sisters.
8 aching arseholes.
9 gnawwed off nipples.
10 tonnes of titties
11 leaping lesbos
12 twats are twitching.

Yet Another Alternative:

"10 tattered tampons"
"9 gnawed off nipples"
"8 aching arseholes"
"7 convicted vicors" (that was a beauty!)
"6 sexless spinsters"
"5 ruuuuuuuuubber baaaaaaaands"
"4 poxy whores"
"3 dunny doors" (thats an australianism)
"2 of these up yours" (accompanied by hand signals)
"....and a French lettre full of V.D"!

Thanks to Phil Baddock, Heather & Craig Doyle for the extra lyrics