Bluffer's Guide to Financial Terms
As we all know, one has to wear a barbour, drink pink gin and own serious amounts of land to be able to support Harlequins. An old chum of mine from the city tells me that a few non-desirables are getting in. This raises the obvious concern of opposition supporters finding out, something which could ruin our fine reputation. I would be grateful if anyone who comes to support Quins, but lacks the aforementioned credentials, would read the financial dictionary below. That way they can at least pass for a traditional Quins supporter and keep up appearances.
Much appreciated old beans!
Barrier: What young Quins fans get thrown over by the stewards at Headingley
Basis points: How many points away from us the team in 12th are. Should be maximised!
Call cushion: When one yells to ones man-servant to bring something to sit on, whilst visiting one of those grounds with damn uncomfy seats
Caps: What Jase has more of than any other forward in world rugby.
Conversion Rate: How many Burkey gets between the posts compared to how many he attempts - usually 100% or somewhere near
Convertible: What Daddy bought one as a 17th birthday present, which we accidently pranged, but a new one appeared in its place
Coupon: What the peasants take to supermarkets whilst one has sent the butler to Fortnums for the hamper
Cross: How we feel when Dippy and Gollings knock the ball on at Wasps instead of one of them scoring.
Foreign Exchange: English clubs send their not-so-great / banned players overseas to see if they improve. In return we get the likes of Wilson, Vos etc
Forward: One of those big blokes you shouldnt abuse in the bar after several pints of Murphys
Future: Something the club now has, having avoided relegation
Interest rate: The increase in attention when Chris Jones, Stuart Barnes, London Irish fans, South Yorkshire MPs etc etc realize that Harlequins have a slim chance of being relegated.
LIFFE: What you have to get in the summer when you cant meet your mates at a game of rugby
Long: How far Burkey has to kick to put Tiggers out of the cup for the 2nd season running
Market: Where the Geezers send their wives with their credit cards to appease them after they hear I cant my dear, Im going to the rugby again
Open Outcry: The reaction of the fans when Lander makes another dreadful decision
Options: Does the Number 8 pick up the ball from the scrum, or does he let the backs take it?
Over the Counter: How far you have to lean in order to catch someones attention whilst trying to get served in the East stand bar after a game
Par amount: How many shots one is allowed to take for each hole on the golf course
Put: Shot used when one is on the green
Risk: What Shaggy took when he threw that pass near the end of the Wasps game
Settlement period: The time it takes for your beer to go clear before you can start drinking
SFA: What we won this year
Short: Accurate description of most scrum-halves
Spread: A lovely picnic which inevitably involves Champagne & lobsters, as served in the members bar
Stock: Used to make the gravy you get on your pork rolls
Strike: What Johnno did to Jase which should have earned him a 10 min cooling off period.
Swap: We sign Vos when London Irish thought hed be playing for them next season ..in return, we gave them Tofty
Theta: Where one takes ones wife / lady friend in the West End to enjoy an evening out during the week
Time Decay: Something that doesnt happen on Spreadburys watch
Vega: How the DGs feel the morning after a game
Volatility: The likely outcome of Dawson getting lippy when playing against Bill Davison
Yield: What Jon Benson did with the ball when Ace tackled him.
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