As we all know, one has to wear a barbour, drink pink gin and own serious amounts of land to be able to support Harlequins. An old chum of mine from the city tells me that a few “non-desirables” are getting in. This raises the obvious concern of opposition supporters finding out, something which could ruin our fine reputation. I would be grateful if anyone who comes to support Quins, but lacks the aforementioned credentials, would read the financial dictionary below. That way they can at least pass for a traditional Quins supporter and keep up appearances.

Much appreciated old beans!
Lord Christopher Jones-Barnes-Keating (the second)

Barrier: What young Quins fans get thrown over by the stewards at Headingley

Basis points: How many points away from us the team in 12th are. Should be maximised!

Call cushion: When one yells to ones man-servant to bring something to sit on, whilst visiting one of those grounds with damn uncomfy seats

Caps: What Jase has more of than any other forward in world rugby.

Conversion Rate: How many Burkey gets between the posts compared to how many he attempts - usually 100% or somewhere near

Convertible: What Daddy bought one as a 17th birthday present, which we accidently pranged, but a new one appeared in it’s place

Coupon: What the peasants take to supermarkets whilst one has sent the butler to Fortnums for the hamper

Cross: How we feel when Dippy and Gollings knock the ball on at Wasps instead of one of them scoring.

Foreign Exchange: English clubs send their not-so-great / banned players overseas to see if they improve. In return we get the likes of Wilson, Vos etc

Forward: One of those big blokes you shouldn’t abuse in the bar after several pints of Murphys

Future: Something the club now has, having avoided relegation

Interest rate: The increase in attention when Chris Jones, Stuart Barnes, London Irish fans, South Yorkshire MPs etc etc realize that Harlequins have a slim chance of being relegated.

LIFFE: What you have to get in the summer when you can’t meet your mates at a game of rugby

Long: How far Burkey has to kick to put Tiggers out of the cup for the 2nd season running

Market: Where the Geezers send their wives with their credit cards to appease them after they hear “I can’t my dear, I’m going to the rugby again”

Open Outcry: The reaction of the fans when Lander makes another dreadful decision

Options: Does the Number 8 pick up the ball from the scrum, or does he let the backs take it?

Over the Counter: How far you have to lean in order to catch someone’s attention whilst trying to get served in the East stand bar after a game

Par amount: How many shots one is allowed to take for each hole on the golf course

Put: Shot used when one is on the green

Risk: What Shaggy took when he threw that pass near the end of the Wasps game

Settlement period: The time it takes for your beer to go clear before you can start drinking

SFA: What we won this year

Short: Accurate description of most scrum-halves

Spread: A lovely picnic which inevitably involves Champagne & lobsters, as served in the members bar

Stock: Used to make the gravy you get on your pork rolls

Strike: What Johnno did to Jase which should have earned him a 10 min cooling off period.

Swap: We sign Vos when London Irish thought he’d be playing for them next season…………..in return, we gave them Tofty

Theta: Where one takes one’s wife / lady friend in the West End to enjoy an evening out during the week

Time Decay: Something that doesn’t happen on Spreadbury’s watch

Vega: How the DG’s feel the morning after a game

Volatility: The likely outcome of Dawson getting lippy when playing against Bill Davison

Yield: What Jon Benson did with the ball when Ace tackled him.