Diamond Geezer Title


by RugbyBird & The Professor

Things you will never hear said

There has been an e-mail going round which has caused some mild amusement. What few people have seen is the original Diamond Geezer version of the message so for your delectation and perusal here it is:

The recent e-mail:

Difficult words to say when you are drunk......

  • Innovative
  • Preliminary
  • Proliferation

Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....

  • Thanks, but I don't want sex
  • No, I don't want another drink
  • No kebab for me, thanks
  • Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
  • Good evening officer

The original DG version:

Phrases you will never hear a Diamond Geezer say:

  • Actually, I don't care what division we are in next season
  • Thanks, but I don't want to get up on the stage and sing karaoke
  • Aren't the car parking facilities at the Stoop fantastic
  • No more for me thanks, I've had sufficient
  • No, the Diamond Geezers would not be interested in taking part
  • Be quiet!
  • Those trousers are far too bright for me to wear
  • I think I'll go and buy a Barbour
  • Please shut up everyone, I'm trying to watch the game
  • When we're relegated I think I'll support Leicester
  • To be honest I thought Steve Lander was correct
  • No thanks, I don't dance
  • I couldn't drink another drop
  • I wish they'd just shut the bar so we can all go home early
  • Are you sure they don't clash?
  • Big Jase - big tart more like!
  • Isn't Ace shy?
  • That Dean Richards - what a gracious loser
  • Sorry, but you are just going to far now
  • ... anything from Monday to Thursday

One for RugbyBird:

  • Thanks for the offer, Roy, but I really don't fancy you  

One for SleepyHollow

  • No, I don't think I can be bothered to go to that game
  • Please feel free to return to the coach 30 mins after the time I've stated

One for Terry:

  • Sorry, but I don't know any Otis Redding songs

One for Prof

  • No thanks, I couldn't

One for MrsB

  • No thanks Ace, I don't want a photo of you hugging me

One for LabRat

  • Ben, please put your shirt back on

One for Viks

  • Oh, can't I go higher, please?
  • Golly gosh Terry, I'm a touch worried about the distance I am from the ground

One for Farmer John

  • Come on, everyone on the pitch, and bring your shovels

One for Mad Max

  • More brandy and cigars for me before I make the announcements please

One for Binky

  • No thanks Garrick, I don't think I want to dance tonight

One for BobD37

  • Come on Prof, shout a bit louder

One for Smiler

  • My face is hurting from smiling too much

One for BaldRick

  • No thanks, I'm teetotal these days

One for Tony Copsey

  • I'm having an early night tonight

One for Alex Codling

  • That scrum cap looks much to silly for me to wear

One for Eddie Butler

  • Fuga

One for RobShew

  • Excuse me madam, but would you mind moving because there is a chance I might get an unflattering photograph of your posterior when I take this photo

One for Lurcio

  • Really ladies, I wouldn't like you all to dance with me

One for Burkey

  • I took no enjoyment whatsoever from putting Tigers out of the cup for a 2nd year running

One for Dippy

  • I'd have gone back to Saracens if Francois Peinaar had stayed (Scotty & Evs nod in agreement)

Back to "Dubious Fun" home

If you've got a joke you'd like to share send it to webmaster@diamondgeezers.org.uk