Diamond Geezer Title

Caption Competition: The Lander Extravaganza

Many thanks to Binky & MrsB for the idea

A message from MafiaQuin - I was looking at the various images of SLander and noticed that he appeared to be quite a lonely soul. Here he is referring a rugby match where there appear to be no players and no crowd. Have the RFU sent him away to practice his refereeing skills prior to being let loose again. Or is he so sad that all he enjoys doing is blowing his whistle and striking a pose. I believe we should be told.

Image Caption

Picture 1
'...here's my handle and here's my spout...' - KWC

"emergency exit here...here...and...here" - Dizzybird

News item - Mr Lander poses at Twickenham in front of a stand full of all his friends. - Trev J

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Picture 2
'Kalahari RFC - the smallest players I've ever seen, only about a foot high they were...' - Prof

"...And Neil Back was about here when I told him "If you kill the ball once more....." - Trev J

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Picture 3
'This is the watch that my friend Spreadders gave me' - Prof

'You come any closer with that zoom and you're going to get some.' - KWC

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Picture 4
' and if I stand in front of the floodlights I can make a lickle birdie on the roof of the East stand!' - The Bs

'First I like it when they tie me up like this...' - Prof

'When I rule the universe you'll all have to salute me like this!' - Prof

'Now if I get the stance right, will I win the the Far Flung geezer competion?' - Richard

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Picture 5
'Tunnel vision - moi?' - The Bs

'The Geezer who was hurling abuse was this svelte' -The Bs

'In case of crowd or player abuse, the emergency exits are here, here, and here.' - KWC

"... and the emergency exits are being pointed out now...." - WoW

"...strike a pose..." - Prof

'It all starts very small...' - Prof

'I see no touchjudges' - AJB

'This might be the degree of my narrowmindedness' - Barquin Mad

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Picture 6
'Raa raa raa... that's all they ever do. Just drives me mad!' - KWC

'That's my naked Emu impersonation, now it's time for the elephant...' - Prof

" I had to become a ref after being kicked out of emu college" - Tank

'"Kark, kark..." that's the sound of the cockateil, now for the widgeon' - Prof

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Picture 7
'...and then I said "Listen, you may be in the under 7s... but it's SIR Lander to you, boy!"' - KWC

'Look you London Irish lot, this is what a try line looks like' - Prof

"... remind me again, what does that white line signify ?" - WoW

'Lawrence, was kneeling down and sniffing it, I have no idea why' - Prof

'Look everybody, I’ve found the Golden Rivet', enter fellow chuff-chindit stage right - DavidC

"That one's moved as well - does this always happen when Sale are in town?" - James

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Picture 8
'... and it's the pelvic thrust, that really drives you insa-a-ane... Lets do the timewarp again...' - KWC

'Yes Iam guilty - please handcuff and take me away!' - DorothyH

'Fair enough, I have been masquerading as a referee for long enough, take me away officer' - Prof

'Then I crept up behind Ashotn Jones and gave him the wedgie of his life!" - Prof

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Picture 9
'Oooooooooh - get you, sailor!' - The Bs

"dancing Steve young and sweet only seventeen oooohhhhh yeah!" - MichelleC

'...and then he showed me at the next breakdown, 'cause he was on the wing then you know, and you really couldn't tell that he'd had the hair replacement therapy!' - KWC

'1,2,3 ??? How many players are there in a scrum' - Rob Thomas

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Picture 10
Feel my skin, it's so soft - Prof

The Macarena - Step 3. - KWC

'I upset him so much that he rammed my whistle this far up my ar*e' - BarQuin Mad

International refs don't get paid that much, so Steve Lander adds to his income by appearing in ads like this as the face of "Mega-Orange Unrealistic Tanning Corp" - Viks

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Picture 11
'there’s a pile of poo on the pitch!' - The Bs

'I’ve trodden in myself!' - Prof

'I still like to practice, even though I haven't competitively Morris Danced for years.' - KWC

'Now which sock did I tuck that tube of preparation H down?' - Trev J

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Picture 12
'It’s fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A!' - The Bs

'Hello, I'm Darcy Bussell' - Prof

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Picture 13
'...Please Sir, Can I be excused?' - WoW

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Picture 14
'And if you bend over like this on the sunbed you get your arse brown' - The Bs

'Who said something about Spreaders?' - Prof

'...and at half time we like to play leap frog.' - KWC

'And then the big boys made me stand like this and then got a hot crumpet and... that's when I left Charterhouse - I blubbed you see!' - Prof

'Bugger, I've got my watch strap caught on my sock' - Prof

'Well there isn't a test as such you just have to bend over like this then Ed Morrison inserts the 'Thunderer' and before you know it you're an international referee!' - Prof

"Please sir, can I have some more" - OwenB

'An impersonation for you - the Moon Lander - geddit?' - Prof

'Slander prepares for kick-off between the hair dressers and interior design XV’s' - BarQuin Mad

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Picture 15
"That’s where the blood supply stops" - PeterW

'Yes, I'd say that the karate training has helped my confidence on the pitch. Watch! Watch! Watch!' - KWC

'I think that's my arse, no hang on it might be my elbow - now I'm confused... penalty to someone' - Prof

'I went for a trim at a barber’s on the Whitton Rd and was surprised when he suggested I take it off here' - BarQuin Mad

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Picture 16
'You put your right arm in, your right arm out...' - KWC

'My thumb!!! One of those Gloucester forwards bit off my thumb!!' - Prof

It's so hard to keep this smile from my face, losing control, I'm all over the place. Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, here am I stuck in the middle with you. - WoW

'there there Tofty, I'll stop the big boys kicking that nasty ball to you' - AJB

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Picture 17
'When the ref link breaks down, we use semaphore.' - KWC

'hands up all those who thinks Neil Backs a good guy' - BarQuin Mad

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Picture 18
'.. and when I save up enough I’m going to buy some real weights' - The Bs

Lander cuddles his only friend in the world - Viks

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Picture 19
'Bring it on Binky!' - The Bs

'Come on then, you wouldn't dare punch this beautiful face' - Prof

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Picture 20
'Then I walked up to the Queen Mum and slapped her on the arse, just like this' - Prof

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Picture 21
"OK, OK, I'll admit it - I did get that decision wrong in the TBC final" - Viks

'And a big hand to me... yes, thankyou, thankyou!' - KWC

'The safest pair of hands in the business' - WoW

'I’ve only got hands this size, so I can’t be the complete w*****r that you think I am' - BarQuin Mad

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Picture 22
'The reason why the England bowling is terrible is because they don't bring their arms over straight, look like this, I should be in charge of the TCCB, dammit, I should be in charge of the World!!!' - Prof

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Picture 23
'Something touched me deep inside, the day the music died' - Prof

'Cup'a'tea Mr Herriot?' - Prof

'Second rows bind like this - see I do know something about rugby!' - Prof

'Spot the invisible sheep' - DaveC

After being told in numerous games by Jonno and Dawson on numerous occasions what a great bloke he is, how well "a bit of colour suits him" and how he could do just about anything he wanted to, Lander enters the World's Strongest Man contest. - Viks

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Picture 24
'And this is how you punch a short bloke or child, if Tofty was here I could show you how it works' - Prof

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Picture 25

'I'm dead tough, me' - Prof

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Picture 26
'Oh no ladies, not the frying pan!!!' – The Bs

'With my incredible brain power I can levitate my whistle!' - Prof

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Picture 27
'I’ve invented this new dance - it’s called the Lander Stomp' - The Bs

'See - the old moves are still there. I dont have the bells anymore though.' - KWC

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Picture 28
'And when I have a spare minute at home, I like to pretend to be King Kong. Just like this... Watch!' - KWC

'Strong like bull, grrrrr!' - Prof

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Picture 29
'Then I said "If your name's not down... you're not coming in". I dont think they were amused though, the 2nd rows just wanted to pack down.' - KWC

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Picture 30
"C'mon Mr Dawson just one last dance" - MichelleC

'My body is my tool' - Prof

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Picture 31
'What do you mean it's the wrong kind of raking?' - wub

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Picture 32
'Bloody flies, anyone would think there's a pile of poo nearby' - Prof

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Picture 33
'I thought this was the bus stop!' - DorothyH

'Stop! Everybody look at me, I'm important! - Prof

'I've got a new whistle - bow before me mortals - BWAHAHAHAHA!' - Prof

"Zieg heil....nein????" - Dizzybird

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Picture 34
'Everyone on that side of the ground cheer for me, everyone on the other side you can cheer for me too' - Prof

"Now comes with realistic karate chop action!" - Battering Ram Winger

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Picture 35
'Oooo, I just get so excited when the camera is on me' - Prof

'Oh damn, I think I've just followed through' - Prof

'This isn't in the coaching manual, it just reminds me of my time in the Household Cavalry.' - TrevJ

'I never believed he'd actually shove my whistle where he said he would. I was walking like this for a week afterwards'. - Trev

'I think I am going to fart!!!' - Lex

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Picture 36
'You must remember how Troy Tempest's legs used to move when he was swmming, it was like this... "Stingray, Stingray, daddle-la-da"' - Prof

'And he lept over the line like this, it was the best landiing I ever saw' - Prof

'and I c****d up the lineout decicision at the TBC final............just like that!' - AJB

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Picture 37
'I'm number one, I'm number one...' - Prof

'Can I go off, those Quins fans are being nasty to me' - Prof

'I think you'll find I'm the most important person on the pitch' - Prof

'This is how many decisions I’m going to give Quins' way this season !' - Dunc

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Send your suggested captions to theprofessor@diamondgeezers.org.uk .

Last Updated 12/8/04


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